My Worst Client Ever

Elvis is alive!

How do I know?

Well, he lives in France, and he used to be my client.

Until I fired him.

You see, this French Elvis was a bad boy. Probably my worst client ever. He used to give me these scripts with way too much text, and not enough time to fit all the words in. Then he complained that I sounded rushed.

Elvis was one of those people who thought they had me on retainer. He would call me any day of the week at any hour, forgetting about the time difference between his part of the world and mine. Did he really forget, or did he just not care?

He always wanted things yesterday, and would pay whenever he felt like it. Most of the time he didn’t feel like it, and I’d have to remind him of the reminders I’d sent him. Then he got angry and said I should stop harassing him. I was the one who was causing problems, n’est pas?

Right before he needed me for another lousy project, he’d make a payment, and play all nice again with that silly accent of his.

He was one of those annoying guys who loved the expression “my friend” as in:

“Paul, my friend, you will do this for me, right?”

“My friend, I have lots of projects for you, so you give me a good price, no?”

After I had given him a discount and handed in my first recording, I would not hear from him for a year. Then he’d call me up in the middle of the night with an urgent job, trying to pull the same stunt.

Elvis, you two-faced Frenchman, you were never my friend, and you never will be. You’ve sucked up so much of my time and energy, and I hated every minute of it. While I was too busy dealing with your cheap antics, I could have worked for good clients at a great rate. Why did I put up with you for so long? Why did I allow you to push my buttons?

The easy answer is that I’m too trusting. I believe that most people are essentially good, and well-intentioned. I also believed that if I treated people nicely, they would return the favor.

Yeah. Right.

The truth is that there are too many Elvises in this world, who can’t wait to take advantage of the naïve, the newbies, and the pushovers. They are a minority, but they always spoil it for the rest of us. Because of them, we need rules, regulations, and a spine made of steel.

People like Elvis will treat you like a servant, and not as an equal partner working on the same project.

They think everything you do is easy, and can be done quickly, and -most importantly- cheaply.

Instead of paying you extra for extra work, they expect you to record those five script changes for free. And should you push back, they respond:

“I totally get where you’re coming from, but can’t you make an exception for me? It will never happen again. I promise.”

Beware of a promise from an Elvis! It’s just as disingenuous as the words “Trust me,” or “Don’t worry.” When some bad guy on TV utters these words, you know there’s trouble on the way, don’t you? Trust me!

Some Elvises have mastered the art of giving vague instructions. Left at your own devices, you start guessing what the desired tone and tempo of the voice-over read might be, and you press record.

Later that day, the Elvis gets back to you telling you everything you did wrong, and how could you be so dumb and inexperienced? You really should have done it this way, or that way…. A real professional would have known!

Apparently, real professionals can read minds!

The thing is: you can’t give clients what they want if they don’t tell you what it is. Countless marriages fall apart over this principle, and so do professional relationships.

Other Elvises are essentially micro-managing know-it-alls, who know very little. The more they get involved, the more time it will take you to finish the project. “Just let me do my job, and I’ll let you do yours,” you think. But no, they’ve got to be in control of every stinkin’ detail, driving you crazy with their calls and emails.

Some Elvises are accomplished liars. They hire you to do a voice-over “for internal use only.” Before you know it, it’s all over the web, and when you try to get a hold of them to ask for more money, they’re MIA, laughing all the way to the bank. Meanwhile, your colleagues show little sympathy, because you should have joined the Union, as they have told you a million times.

Thanks a bunch, fellows!

While it may hurt, there is some truth to what they’re saying. They are telling you the same thing your parents told you when discussing the birds and the bees:

“When you’re ready to do it, make sure you have protection.”

Nobody forces you to be in bed with a bad client. Nobody will make you work without a written contract or a down payment. No one says you have to take the abuse, and dance when the client says “Dance!”

It’s one of the advantages of being your own boss. There are no more mediocre managers or power-hungry executives who tell you what to do.

You’re on your own, and you decide what you will or will not tolerate.

So, do yourself a huge favor. Leave all those disorganized, penny-pinching, impossible to please, disrespectful, I’ll pay you whenever, lying Elvises for what they are.

Better still: Send them to Fiverr and VoiceBunny (and a whole bunch of other predatory voice casting sites I won’t name).

Let them deal with the Elvises of this world. Likes attract, so maybe they’ll get along.

As an attorney instructor once put it:

“The bad clients you don’t take, will be the best money you never made.”

Paul Strikwerda ©nethervoice

PS After reading this story, French colleagues told me Elvis declared bankruptcy, and his website has been suspended. You know what they say about karma, don’t you? Unfortunately, there are still people who never got paid. 

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