Warning: this post contains some strong language that may not be appropriate for sensitive souls.
* An overly demanding client has nickeled-and-dimed you down to your lowest rate and is never satisfied
* You’re angry at yourself for ever taking on this job making you work for a jerk
* You’re going out of your way to serve a customer and she treats you like a servant
* You spend hours perfecting a proposal and you never hear back from your prospect
* You’ve given a colleague free advice, and now he’s offering your service at half-price
* Colleagues and job sites are bringing your rates down and you can’t do anything about it
* You’ve just lost a dream project; you have no idea why and you feel like giving up
* Your Mom says: “I told you this would happen. Why don’t you get a real job?”
Sounds familiar? If that’s the case, how do you usually respond? Can you let it go, or are you getting sick and tired of having to depend on people who don’t seem to care? How long are you going to put up with that? Isn’t it time to draw a line in the sand and say to yourself:
“I’ve had it. Enough’s enough!”
If that’s the case, why don’t you get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell:
“I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!!”
Of course you’re not going to do that. That only happens in movies. You’ve been conditioned to respond in a rational way and to behave like a proper professional.
Shit happens. You just have to make sure it doesn’t hit your fans. Besides, we live in the age of positive psychology where people don’t have problems anymore. People have “challenges”. We don’t run into difficulties. We call them “learning opportunities.” We never fail. We just get a “less than desirable result.” We’ve learned to turn lemons into lemonade and above all… we never, ever argue. We have “spirited debates” instead.
Welcome to the bitter-sweet world of reframing, sugar coating and turd-polishing! Are you feeling any better yet? Should you internalize your anger and put on your happy Facebook face? After all, you don’t want the world to know you’re having a hard day, do you? Everything is always A-ok and the show must go on, right? So, get a grip and pull yourself together!
If only it were that easy.
How healthy can it be, to keep it all inside and pretend everything’s alright all the time? You’re not a saint. Sometimes, you’re a volcano waiting to erupt and you’re ready to slap those people telling you that “everything happens for a reason.” Is that supposed to help? Give me a break!
So, what do you do when your frustration reaches a boiling point and you’ve absolutely had it? Hit the bottle? Hit the wall? Use your partner as a punching bag? That’ll make it all go away, won’t it?
COMMUNICATION STYLES
Even if you’re not a disciple of Sigmund Freud or a follower of Carl Jung, it’s easy to recognize four classic ways of dealing with rage, disappointment and despair. I’ve broken them down into different personalities and I’d like you to meet them.
1. THE PESSIMISTIC DOORMAT: the passive response
– Easily overwhelmed, defeated and depressed
– Blames him or herself
– Excuses the behavior of others
– Avoids confrontation at all cost
– A people pleaser, always ready to take on the victim role
– Gives in; gives up and disengages
– Acts out of fear and fatalism
– Tells you: “I feel like shit.”
2. THE BULLY: the aggressive response
– Acts impulsively
– Takes everything personally
– Goes on the attack and thrives on confrontation
– Blames and criticizes others
– Feels superior because others are always wrong
– Overbearing and controlling: it’s my way or the highway
– Acts out of anger
– Tells the world: “These guys are shit.”
3. THE INDIRECT ADVERSARY: the passive aggressive response
– Acts in a disingenuous way
– Responds with sarcasm and cynicism
– Refuses to openly acknowledge that there’s a problem
– Feels misunderstood and underappreciated,
– Hides true feelings: smiles when angry
– Cooperates but does so begrudgingly, even sabotaging the effort
– Acts out of denial, resentment and evasion
– Won’t tell you: “I pretend I don’t give a shit but I really do.”
GENERALIZATIONS
I’ll be the first one to admit that these profiles are based on broad generalizations. Secondly, I am only describing a type of behavior. Behavior always takes place on a continuum and not every individual will display all characteristics at once. But sometimes it’s easier to make a point by highlighting the extremes.
Third, although some of us have become better at one communication style, we might show tendencies of another style, depending on the situation. In many cases, we have learned these adaptive responses at an early age, often from a role model such as a parent.
Fourth: because people are so accustomed to their own behavior, they are often unaware of their communication style and it kicks in automatically.
If you’re a blogger or a regular participant in discussions on various social networks, you’ve probably dealt with a few of these individuals. The nature and tone of some of the comments people throw at you, can give you an insight into who’s leaving them.
A few examples…
The pessimistic doormat will say things like: “I should have known better. It’s all my fault. There’s nothing we can do about it. It is what it is. Who are we to think that we can change things? It’s been like this for years and it’s no use going against the grain. We’re just a small piece in a big puzzle. Stop wasting your time. I’m sorry but that’s just how I feel.”
The bully will tell you: “You’re dead wrong. I can’t believe you just said that. It makes no sense. When’s the last time you had your brain checked? Stop being so ridiculous. Who do you think you are? Did you even read what you just wrote? These guys owe me big time. I did nothing wrong. They’re the ones that screwed things up. I’ll make them pay!”
The indirect adversary’s favorite phrase is “Whatever,” while moaning and muttering to himself. You should hear the sarcasm when she says: “Sure, we’ll do whatever you want. Let’s see how well that works out.” He’ll tell you: “I’m not upset at all. You seem to be the only one having a problem here. Everything’s fine on my end,” even though things are not at all fine on his end.
But enough about other people. Let’s talk about you. How do you respond when someone’s made you mad as hell and you’re not going to take it anymore? Will you let them have it because they deserve it? What is your weapon of choice: public humiliation, strong language, ridicule? Or will you withdraw from the world and curl up in a ball crying “poor me, this is so unfair!”?
UNDER THE CARPET
I’m not a big fan of sticking strong emotions in a jar and putting a lid on it. That jar is called your body. It’s the house you live in and if you start piling up junk, it will start to rot, stinking up the entire place. Sooner or later, you’ll be poisoning the whole neighborhood. Here’s the thing: all that garbage has to come out at some point, or else the house will burst at the seams. You might as well let it out now.
It’s okay to be mad. It’s unhealthy to stay stuck in it, even if anger motivates you.
Begin by realizing that you’re feeling all these strong emotions because someone or something crossed the line between what’s acceptable and unacceptable to you.
Before you ask yourself what that might be, you have to let off some steam, preferably in a way that does not hurt you or any (significant) others.
The worst thing you could do, is to write an angry response or to let whoever has hurt you “have it,” even though it might be totally justified. Any negative knee-jerk response will almost certainly backfire. On the internet -as in real life- you can’t ever take something back.
What you need to do first, is to get rid of that explosive energy. Break a couple of plates if you must; play some hard rock on Guitar Hero; beat the crap out of your drum kit, leave your house and run a couple of miles… as long as you get out of that mad mood of yours. Here’s a hint: it helps to get physical!
Once you’re out of that angry state, you might realize that you were not really responding to what happened, but to something deeper that was ignited by the event. When we finally give ourselves permission to take the lid off that jar, it’s quite common that a lot of that piled up garbage comes out, that has absolutely nothing to do with the trigger. As a result we overreact.
RESOURCEFUL RESPONSE
Now, as soon as you are in a more resourceful mood, it’s much easier to dissociate from that spark that caused the flame, and figure out how to respond in a more calm and collected way. You might find it helpful to ask yourself a couple of questions. However, steer away from disempowering questions like:
– How could he/she do this to me?
– Why does this always happen to me?
– What’s wrong with me?
Believe me, your brain will always come up with an answer, and you’re not going to like it. Ask these types of questions instead:
- How can I resolve this situation in a good way?
- What’s the first thing I can do to turn this around?
- What help do I need and who can best help me?
- What have I learned from this that is positive and useful?
- What changes can I make to prevent this from happening again?
Sometimes the answers will come easily. Sometimes they won’t. If you feel that it’s not so hard to get back into that old, negative mood, you’re not going to get very far. It’s better to take some time and change your state of mind before doing something you will later regret. The heat of the moment often magnifies things that -when you look back at them- are no big deal. And if they are, the more reason to respond with care and consideration.
Remember: you own the house you live in. It’s your choice to open your house up to things that don’t support you and to folks that respect neither you nor your property. If they show up at your doorstep with a “present” you don’t want, do not accept it.
By this time, you’re hopefully in a more resourceful mode. The mode of what I like to call:
4. THE RESPECTFUL ADVOCATE: the assertive response
– Being collected and connected
– Owning one’s feelings
– Opening a dialogue: seeking resolution
– Looking at the issue from different sides
– Competently standing up for oneself
– Acting out of confidence and optimism
– Tells you: “I’ll turn this shit into manure.”
You’ll know that you’re in this mindset because you’ll feel much more relaxed and in charge of the situation. You’re doing your best to understand where the other person is coming from, and you realize that just because people do stupid things sometimes, it doesn’t mean that they are stupid.
In this frame of mind, you respond to the present and not to the past. You deal with the event and leave it at that.
You stand up for yourself from a place of confidence, not arrogance or anger. You make your point knowing that not everyone will or has to agree with you.
You are aware that you can’t control others. You can only control yourself. People can only push your buttons if you let them. You choose your battles and you walk away when people disrespect you. You choose to surround yourself with friends that support and respect you. You deserve no less.
This is your house. This is your garden.
You sow the seeds and weed the weeds.
May it bloom as you blossom,
and may your home be filled with
laughter, peace and prosperity!
Be Sweet. Please retweet!
You’re right the profiles you presented are generalizations. I’m probably a combination of all three. I am also one of the least PC (politically correct) people I know. Having said that I also believe that tact is the best tool any business person can exercise.
I’ve been in a few of the situations that you mentioned and when a client has decided to standardize prices… I dropped them (because they were too low)
When a client tried to haggle me to death… I drew the line and stood fast.
Dream Jobs come and go… you won’t get anything that God hasn’t assigned to you and you won’t lose a job that God has assigned to you. That doesnt mean you don’t do your job and submit the proposal it just means that the sea is full of other fish.
I’ve lost a few clients in the process… but my peace of mind is far more precious than landing all the jobs that come my way.
Thanks for your valuable observations, Taji. Based on those points I made some adjustments to my original post.
It occurred to me that these communication styles not only apply to people, but -to some extent- to nations as well. One of the big questions of our time (and of all times) is:
How do we deal with conflict in our life?
The people of Egypt had every reason to be enraged, and yet they chose to topple a regime in a peaceful way. As we speak, this wave is spreading across the Middle East and beyond. Right now, we seem to be on the brink of the liberation of Libya.
The powers that be will do everything to provoke and intimidate. That’s the way of the bully. As history has shown, it is a strategy that will never win.
You have added another important element to this story: Faith. Violence seeks to destroy and to put people down. Faith lifts people up; faith inspires people and connects them to the source of creation.
No matter where we are or who we are, I strongly believe that people prefer to live in peace. That’s why they greet each other with words like Salaam or Shalom. I sincerely hope that these expressions will become reality, instead of hollow phrases… God-willing, that is.
Nice piece Paul and one that I’m sure wuite a few of your readers will resonate with. Creative folks in general tend to eschew business plans in favor of having an emotionally run business. It doesn’t show up in the paperwork, but it often shows up in the bottom line, or perhaps worse in the form of 1 pill for stress, 1 pill for high blood pressure, etc.
I’ll be the first to agree that of the above three communicatio styles, I probably am apt to display some of the worst traits of each. This perhaps comes from the fact that so much communication these days is instantaneous and simply aren’t structured to convey much in the way of subtleties.
In the days when first class letters or phone calls were the standard methods of communicating, it would seem that mroe thought and import would go into the message.
Recently, I was my usual sarcastic self on one ofthe online v.o. threads. The first 2 people to respond to my comments thought I was dead serious. It wasn’t until someone else popped up and actually referred to me as the local “Alan Alda”, that I began to really look at my communication style.
Here are some thoughts that occured to me:
1. Don’t feel pressured to respond or give an answer before thinking through the situation carefully. Screw instant communication. Learn the words “Let me get back to you on that”.
2. Take advantage of my network to run things through somebody else’s filters to help me make decisions.
3. Whip out the old Ben Franklin decision making system. Apparently, Ben would put a giant “T” on a page above the cross bar to the left he’d write the word “NO” and to the right, “YES”. Underneath he would write some important question or something he would have to make a decision about. He’d keep the paper close, and as he went about his day, as thoughts ocurred to him, he would place them in the appropriate column on the paper. Eventually, the answer would become quite clear and would make complete sense.
Well put, J.S. Our culture tends to put great value on “immediacy”. Instant messaging. Instant coffee. Instant gratification. Original oatmeal tastes much better than the instant stuff.
Is there any room for patience anymore?
If we don’t respond within the next five minutes, 50 people will have submitted a P2P audition before us. If we don’t call now, we will miss out on that great TV offer. People want to watch the Oscars “LIVE from Hollywood.” On Monday it will be yesterday’s news.
It’s not always easy to resist the urge to react and respond. Most people I know find it hard to slow down, sit back and read…. a book. Madison Avenue wouldn’t be thriving if all of us would practice the ancient art of impulse control.
I like Franklin’s approach. It reminds me of baking bread. Once the dough is ready, we have to let the yeast do it’s work in order for the dough to rise. If only more people would be dough boys and girls. The level of discourse would certainly rise, don’t you think?
No need to respond right now, by the way. I’ll be skiing in the mountains tomorrow and lose all track of time. Now, that’s bliss!
Something that has caught my attention about this is reading comments from some of the most spirited people I have spoken to online.
I never lose sight of the fact that we probably all want the same things, even if our approach on how to achieve it may differ.
Sometimes in that quest to ‘make things right’, things are said with passion that leave a person open for criticisms of, ‘You shouldn’t say it that way’, or ‘Don’t think that way.’ The job I have now, admittedly, was originally a form of therapy while I tried to figure out why things changed and how to make it better.
Let us all never forget that we can only do what we know, until we know more, and then we can do better. I have learned over time that there are ‘forces’ that feed people opinions on ‘how they should think’, and the real challenge is staying true to oneself even when all sides appear against you.
And never forget…people are all still driving the business, and as people are imperfect, we can only work together to make fix that which needs fixing. I have been working in customer service of a global nature since 1996. (I live in NYC. Its expensive) I know ‘people’ do the oddest things: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2a8TRSgzZY
But maybe, they are just doing what they know until they know better? That is why I firmly believe ‘truth will prevail’, if good people struggle to make for a better industry.
Unfortunately, things don’t change overnight. If we stop caring, or give up, or lose patience, that is when the world is done an injustice. I said ‘goodbye’ to lots of connections to work where I do, only because I believe in talent working for themselves; smarter than ever before.
Peace,
Steven
Many thanks for that thoughtful response, Steven. I absolutely love this quote: “We can only do what we know, until we know more, and then we can do better.” Put a bit differently: People do the best they can with the resources they have available at that time. Some days we’re more resourceful than others.
In my philosophy, people act to attain a positive outcome for themselves. That effort can be something serving a larger whole or a greater group or something as vague as “the common good.” No matter the nature of the outcome, first and foremost it fulfills a personal purpose.
“Learning to stay true to oneself” is a lifelong journey. It presupposes that we know who we are and what we ultimately want. It also assumes that we feel worthy and strong enough to assert ourselves and be heard. Only then can we communicate as a Respectful Advocate.
I would say that there are certainly quite a few people who would indeed do more, if they were capable.
I am not a big proponent of the “he did the best that he could” defense. In so many cases it seems as though the bar has been definitely lowered. Studies show that in business, individual incentive or what we used to call “acting as if you had proprietary interest” seem to be long gone.
Working in cost analysis (hatchet man) in the 1980’s we discovered a new emerging breed of worker, which we gave the title of “corporate hider” to. This individual would show up and often in fact work overtime. In the final analysis though, it was hard to see what they actually did, and in almost all cases their contribution to the business in any way, shape or form was simply not to be found.
My uncle was an early role model for me. I went to visit him at his offices one day and was instructed to go to some floor in the building that I had never been to. When the elevator opened, I saw my uncle instructing a roughly 20 year old in overalls on how to mop the floor. My uncle had the pants of his Hart, Shaffner Marx suit hiked up as he was mopping the floor with this young man looking on. I was quite confused.
My uncle saw me and with a smile called out and said he would be with me in a few minutes. He gave the mop back to the guy, fixes his pant legs and shook his hand.
I was all of 16 at the time and asked my uncle what the heck was going on. He remarked that this fellow hadn’t been cleaning the floors the way my uncle liked them to be done. I asked why he didn’t fire him and my uncle said, “it’s a lot easier to just show him how I want it done”. He further went on to say, “However, now that he knows how to clean the floors and more importantly, that I know he knows, he has no more excuses.”
Do we simply have a lot of people who don’t know how to mop floors these days or are they just trying to get away with doing less work?
Perhaps we think it’s easier to fire someone than to show them the proper way to mop a floor.
Or perhaps things are just inextricably woven into a very mediocre rug. Some recent figures that might be hard to understand include that 70% of all pornographic traffic occurs during regular business hours and that online gaming similarly sees its greatest usage during regular working hours, as does all forms of social media.
How much work is getting done when it seems that at best, we have only one hand available to do it?
Are people really doing the best that they can?
This is what I believe: People do the best they can with the resources they have available at that moment in time. That means that they could be capable of doing much better, however, something was preventing them from doing so. Many therapeutic models do at least three things:
– teach people new resources, e.g. communication and relationship skills
– help people recognize and access those resources
– strengthen these resources
I also believe that any type of behavior ultimately serves a positive purpose, even (self) destructive behavior. A good example is smoking. We all know that smoking can kill us, yet millions of people do it every day. Why? Because the immediate pleasure is greater than the eventual, possible pain. Thus, smoking serves a positive purpose, even though it might be temporary.
At a sub-conscious level, the slacker may be sabotaging his own performance because deep down inside, he wants to do something else, or he resents what he is doing. I also know several people who consistently underperform because they’re afraid of the negative side of success.
I’m thinking of one brilliant guitar player who could have easily succeeded Segovia. However, he suffered from terrible performance anxiety. Becoming more successful would have meant performing in front of thousands, and this was something he dreaded more than anything else. Because he wanted to protect himself from his worst nightmare, he chose to underperform and stay out of the limelight.
All of us have our own standards and most of us don’t even realize we use these standards to measure our performance. A beginner might operate at level 3 and when his performance reaches level 5, this person is quite pleased. At his level, he isn’t slacking. He’s simply doing the very best he can. That’s what I see many up-and-going voice-over talent do. They don’t take the time to hone their skills; they don’t invest in training and they’re satisfied with being mediocre. In their mind, they’re pulling out all the stops.
More experienced and talented performers might operate at level 8 and they will be thrilled with a level 9 performance. Perfectionists are well-known self-saboteurs because no performance will ever be good enough.
Paul,
Absolutely fantastic article – Thank you… The world would, indeed, be a better place (a thinner, fitter and happier one!) if people bit their tongue long enough to go for a run around the block and only then return to the keyboard before re-reading that misread email and flaming the writer…
Food for thought..
Have a good weekend,
Andy C
http://www.gavoice.com.au
(Greetings from Australia!).
Hi Andy, it’s great to know that after having discovered Tasmania, the Dutch have reached the main land of Australia!
As far as I know, the topic of anger management has seldom been discussed in the context of freelancing. Yet, I regularly run into angry rants and other signs of frustration on Facebook, LinkedIn and the like. Professional issues can get personal rather quickly.
Any job comes with hopes and disappointments, but because of the uncertainty factor of freelance existence and the cutthroat nature of the business, there’s a lot of added pressure to perform.
It can be very risky to bite off our tongues, especially for voice-over talent!