In the previous blog post I told you about me suffering a stroke while in my soundproof studio. I honestly thought that was going to be the end of the road for me, but -thanks to my wife- I was rescued and medevaced to a stroke center.
When I woke up in the recovery room, I had lost some of the front part of my brain, the part regulating executive function. I was too weak to walk, and had barely any recollection of what happened. All I knew was that I was lucky to be alive.
No one could tell me what life after a stroke would be like. It would all depend on the extent of the brain damage and my ability to recover.
If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that -like many Dutch people- I am very stubborn. I refuse to give in and give up. Something told me I was still alive for a reason, and my purpose on this planet (whatever that was supposed to be), wasn’t fulfilled yet.
LOTS OF THERAPY
So, for the next year I was in rehab getting physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, vision therapy, and I had weekly sessions with a neuropsychologist. Even though I knew I would never be the same, I was determined to get my strength and my speech back as much as possible, while learning to live with my limitations (which is easier said than done).
I could either bemoan my fate and be angry, or I could be soft on myself, accepting the fact that I would never be the same. I chose the latter, while working day by day to make progress and become more independent.
I had to learn to ask for and accept help, which wasn’t easy. But I had a great medical team to support me, and a wife who was a loving, caring rock who dealt with all my mood swings and deficiencies. I was no longer the energetic, go-getter of a man she married. If anyone ever embraced the term “in sickness and in health,” it was my better half!
The only thing I could do to repay her, and the professionals who were helping me get better, was to do my part in the healing process to the best of my ability. And on many days I didn’t feel very able.
I’M NOT NORMAL
At this point I should tell you that I am not the typical stroke patient, if there is such a person. I always say: “different strokes for different folks,” because not everyone is as lucky as I am. For some, the brain damage is much more extensive, and not everyone will survive a stroke as well as I did. And some don’t survive at all.
Most people who meet me for the first time won’t even notice that I’ve had a stroke.
They don’t notice that the left part of my body is weaker than the right. They’re not aware of my memory loss (short-term and long-term) or my face blindness. They don’t see my misophonia which appeared out of nowhere. This makes it very hard for me to be around people and social situations. My brain will tune out and I start looking away which some will interpret as me being disinterested.
They don’t know I’m no longer allowed to drive a car because of my worsened eyesight, and because I reach stimulus overload very quickly and get distracted. This means I can’t go anywhere without someone else driving me. I can no longer manage my money because I have trouble controlling my impulses. I became very spontaneous and if I have money in my wallet I will find ways to spend it!
But here’s the BIG one that truly changed my life:
I permanently live in the moment. At least, it’s how I feel.
BE HERE NOW
That seems kind of ideal -we’ve always been told to seize the day, forget the past and focus on the Power of NOW, but it sucks when you have to do some planning, or need to execute even the simplest of tasks. I can literally forget the milk I put on the stove, and start doing something else in another room, and almost burn the house down. Believe me, it happened more than once.
Or I start crossing the road without looking… without thinking about the consequences.
This also has implications for those around me because they’ve got to be watching me which I don’t particularly like. On some days I feel and act like a child as my wife fulfills the role of mother with love and patience.
But as far as my work goes, after my stroke my voice was never the same. Let’s talk about it.
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